During one of my school breaks, I invited Ethan to my home and introduced him to someone else I know. As we had one kiki after another, I felt increasingly comfortable with my sexuality.īut I also learned that being true to yourself can come with challenges. Ethan was more comfortable with his sexuality and expressed himself in more feminine ways.
I had just recently come out as gay after years of denial, shameful secrets, and emotional breakdowns - not to mention numerous failed attempts to be straight and overly masculine. During my first year of college, I met one of my best friends, whom I’ll refer to as "Ethan." Ethan and I are both gay, and we bonded through confiding in one another about our lives. I’ve unfortunately experienced both the consequences and the rewards of this dynamic. Queer men who oblige get to establish a false sense of protection from “fitting in.” We are taught to monitor ourselves and not disrupt the serene façade of heterosexuality. Homophobia and misogyny create a looming cloud over queer men: Many are worried of being “noticeably” gay, overly flamboyant, or even slightly feminine. In a world that expects men to be stereotypically masculine, being effeminate leaves you particularly vulnerable. Being queer in this type of society already marginalizes gay men, but the way in which they present their gender and sexuality in their own community can ultimately marginalize them further. Ingrained homophobia teaches us to accept and normalize relationships that fit into a heterosexist framework and oppress queerness, while ingrained misogyny simultaneously teaches us to privilege masculinity over femininity. The phrase excludes feminine and androgynous queer individuals - a type of exclusion that speaks to a long legacy of internalized homophobia and misogyny both in the gay community as well as in broader American society. Some try to defend these actions and “preferences” by saying things like “everyone has a type,” “it’s just a description,” and “it’s not what I’m into.”īut I certainly find “Masc 4 Masc” problematic.
They sometimes use the term “ no fems” as well. Those who use the term tend to be straight-passing men who refuse to communicate with anyone other than straight-passing men, and therefore dismiss and/or degrade feminine or androgynous people. Men often describe themselves this way to indicate that they’re masculine-acting, and are seeking other masculine-acting individuals. “Masc 4 Masc” is a phrase with which many gay men on dating apps are familiar. But my highly romanticized journey with dating apps took a confusing turn when I repeatedly encountered a phrase I soon realized was treacherous: “Masc 4 Masc.”
One day, I decided to get my phone out and download an app I prepared my thumbs for all sorts of left- and right-swiping. It was just three years ago that I was a high school student ready to explore the realm of internet dating.